The Isolated Neighbor.

As a society, we try to value the good things like family, friends, being nice to everyone, and the old adage, “Be nice to your neighbor.” Well guess what, I would be nice to them if I had a chance to see them and socialize. I’m convinced that suburban neighborhoods are the root of hostile, anti-social behavior that we pent up all weekend and then drag into the office Monday morning and resent all week long.

I live in a cul de sac, which are mostly coveted because there is no thru-traffic, no nosey drive by folks, and you know everyone’s car, so easy to spot a stranger. It’s nice, cozy and quiet, but it’s also so anti-social. Just look at the design of your ordinary house. You move in to a new home, put up big landscaping in the front, drapes on the curtain, and build the deck with privacy screen in the back, and the final touch – a wooden fence. All natural barriers to make sure, there is no possible way anyone can see you when you’re outside. Automatic garage door openers with super sonic distance let you slither in behind your tinted windows and sun glasses roll down the road and into your home without having to uncomfortably meet and greet your neighbor. If by chance, you get caught with a neighbor waving, you’ll throw them a four fingered wave from the top of the steering wheel as you cruise by. Phew, that was close!

The mail?? How do you get the mail from the new trendy joint mailbox that sits on the edge of the cul de sac circle? That’s easy, wait till the kids are sleeping and its well past 11 pm. Then sneak outside with the front lights off so no one sees you tip toe your way to the mailbox, make sure the key is in your hand so you don’t waste valuable time fumbling for the right key in the dark.

Technology has also allowed us to avoid each other; I am as guilty as anyone on my street for this. I stay in touch more with my friends who live 1,000 miles away via email and instant messaging than my neighbor 20 feet to my left. And when it comes to stay at home mom’s in the circle, well I’ve seen them talking on the phone with each other for 30mins, when you could easily just open your front door and walk outside. Why do that? Far too much work.

The notion of a deck in your backyard is not a bad idea. I actually do not like decks at all. My current house does not have a deck, I didn’t build one. I’m the only house in my neighborhood without a deck. Why you may ask? Well, the wife and kids spent 99% of their time in the cul de sac playing out front which I encourage because it gives my children a chance to accidentally mingle with other children and get some exercise riding their bikes and toy tractors. I enjoy barbequing in my garage or driveway if it’s warm enough. I find it very social, I stand there in my driveway cooking dinner, watching the empty fronts of neighbor houses, because they’ll all busy in the back on their decks. Nice how that works!

Real estate agents tell you that it’s a good idea to spend money on landscaping, fences, decks, because it give a nice curb appeal. Yeah, maybe appeal to those who seek to hide from their neighbors.

The real magic of old neighborhoods that I’ve seen in larger older cities like New York and Philadelphia are gone. The houses were close together, you front porch was at the same level as your neighbors, you would sit outside, face the street, wave to the folks walking their dogs and offer them a beer. You could lean over and talk with your neighbors across porches which had a certain charm to it. You had your private boundary but were welcoming others in. In Philadelphia, my neighbor’s mother baked fresh bread almost every day, every so often he would come by and drop off a fresh loaf just because we were college students, with little money and we kept our side of the attached home clean. It was nice, it was normal and we welcomed it.

Fast forward to the cul de sac, if a neighbor shows up at the door ringing the bell – we get annoyed that they didn’t call first, and sit wondering what they want. We’ve become accustomed to living in our cave when we get home. At work we have to be social since we work with other humans and its part of the weekly sacrifice we make, when we get home, all bets are off. If the phone rings, no one says “I’ll get it” – it’s always a grimace and quick scan of caller-ID, and if doesn’t pass the annoyance test, we let voicemail get it, if the doorbell rings we hide upstairs and peak from the bedroom curtain to see who it is and hold our breath until they give up and leave. A sad state of affairs.

The most ironic part is, the old city homes that were structured for community living and sharing are on the low-end of the income/desire pole, and not many people want to live there for too long. They aspire to move to the burbs and live on cul de sacs, so they can hide inside and not have to speak to their neighbors again!

We have to do better, do me this favor, be nice to your neighbor, carry over a six pack of your favorite beverage and ask them for 30 minutes of their time. Stand outside on their driveway and ask them their name, ask them what they do and their favorite movie. You’ll be surprised how nice it really is.

Rock On.